I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
You Might Also Like
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
#CoronaOutbreak
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.