I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
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lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
hackers play passwordle
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry