I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
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I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭