My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
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WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy