@mutedclamor: I thought this hot Egyptian chick was hitting on me but she was just trying to lure me into a pyramid scheme. :(
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@LoriLuvsShoes: So I told my husband that I have a TC and he said, "that's really cute. See if he wants to fund your shoe addiction"
@Underchilde: [As a tornado destroys their home] Wife: You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. Husband: I really miss Baywatch.
@aka_fatman: [birdwatching] Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
@FunnyMojoJojo: I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek...