I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
You Might Also Like
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
May have had one breakfast too many
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
every single time
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain