@Dawn_M_: I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
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@OutOfLeftField_: Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
@stephenjmolloy: [Trying to impress a girl on a date] Me: "Not to brag but I'm getting Windows 10 for free."
@AbrasiveGhost: [at wife's funeral] Son: At least shes in heaven now Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don't know shit about your mom