I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
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If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.