@Dawn_M_: I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
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@WhatevaConc: When complaining of a stomach ache, you don't really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
@Mr_Kapowski: [firetruck honks its obnoxiously loud horn] [goose in the distance hears it] "Oh shit guys, that sounds like my wife. Gotta fly"
@internetluke: [comes out of coma after 12 years] ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to 'Away'! DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat