@Dawn_M_: I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
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@SteveSuckington: Boss: Are you high? Me: If I was high could I do this? B: What? You aren't doing anything M: sorry I'm super high. What was the question?
@squirrel74wkgn: *drops off box to Salvation Army* "Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?" *peels out*
@JaymayAllDay: You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.