I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
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eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.