Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
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I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
shit, they caught us—run!!!
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)