I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
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Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys