@NervousJr: I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
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@PostCultRev: I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
@Twtercide: Instead of catching your child every time they fall, teach them how to effectively execute a tuck and roll. You're welcome.
@TheTweetOfGod: Inside everybody there's a still, small voice seeking to guide them on their journey through life. It was put there by the CIA.
@TheToddWilliams: [desert island diary - day 1] 4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait. 5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free