Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
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You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Leaving the Barbers like
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….