I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
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What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
crying
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.