I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
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911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
first you must answer his riddles
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”