@GreenishDuck: I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
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@catstronomical: Me:Come in. It's not like I'm a serial killer. Him:*laughs nervously* Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
@Awesomemom10: Wow, I must look really hot tonight working out, everyone is totally staring at me. *walking on treadmill with a candy bar and a Pepsi
@J0hnnyBlaze: 10:00pm *gets a snack* 10:01pm *turns on tv* 10:02pm *glances at twitter for 8 seconds* February
@shutupmikeginn: I just walked in on two coworkers crying in a conference room and I was like, "mind if I join?"