@GreenishDuck: I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
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@El_nacho_Nigre: My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
@GoddessTitty: Going to get a facial today... this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
@RobDenBleyker: Life advice: If someone ever tells you "I'll be there in thirty minutes", you should ALWAYS respond with "You've got twenty" and hang up.
@1followernodad: Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.