I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
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[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually