I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
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Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
when someone rings the doorbell
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
fourth time’s the charm
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks