I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
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Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?