I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
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I only say stupid things when I talk.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny