I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
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Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they鈥檒l trip over something and die
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can鈥檛 even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you鈥檝e reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 馃檪
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Accidently went when it wasn鈥檛 my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 馃檪
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i鈥檒l leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It鈥檚 freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don鈥檛 look desperate
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I love the National Park Service.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.