I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
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10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.