Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
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My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Happy birthday to all the women
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb