I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
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how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Me driving through Toronto
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.