[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
You Might Also Like
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
got so much cardio in today
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…