Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
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The prophecy is fulfilled
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]