Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
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i now pronounce you bounced.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
this post was so formative to me
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people