Put the is in disheveled
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I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)