I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
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When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over