Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
You Might Also Like
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME