I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
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[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I told my vodka about you.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I ate everything, including the H.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot