10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
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It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Covid like
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I falcon love using swear birds
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.