I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
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[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
my proudest tweet
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”