When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
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me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.