I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
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I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.