I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
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Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
🤣🤣🤣
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
the clam before the storm
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.