I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
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It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes