An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
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First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.