If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
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My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Fights fire with marshmallows
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.