I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
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[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I never know how much to tip a cow.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.