Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
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[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”