@samfromks: I told my 3 year old that Skittles are Care Bear meat and now I have the bag to myself.
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@hippieswordfish: lobster christian grey: 'my tastes are very.....singular' *opens closet door revealing hundreds of rubber bands*
@NotJPo: Give a woman a compliment and you'll eat for a day. Force a woman to fish for compliments and she'll feed someone else.
@WilliamAder: "Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!" - Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks