What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
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Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Bringing home a sharpie
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*