@Brianhopecomedy: I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we're walking home with a cart.
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@joejwest: DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo? ME: [from the kitchen] No DATE: Oh. What's for dinner? ME: A suspiciously large chicken
@SortaBad: When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from 'balancing on edge of bed' to 'snow angel'
@crunchenhancer: When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won't eat you. If that doesn't work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!