I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
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HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.