I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
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Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.