customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
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Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk