INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
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Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Born to be mild.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Anime is real
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore