Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
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Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?