@LaziestCanine: I told my crush I liked them through a Spotify playlist
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@Sickayduh: Rose: I'm so cold. Jack: Listen, Rose. You're gonna get out of here, you're gonna go on and- fine, you can have my damn hoodie
@JohnLyonTweets: My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn't ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
@shkeeber: Dude, why did you buy Grand Theft Auto 5? I mean, honestly, you live in Detroit. You could've just gone outside and saved yourself $50.
@iAmJuddy: Wait. I'm not cool cuz I'm home on a weekend night? You mean my home I own? With no landlord, neighbors or...parents? Wow, I'm such a loser.