I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
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Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.