I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
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[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”