I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
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Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
screw you
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Who says great literature is dead?
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”