I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
You Might Also Like
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Carpe DM
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I bet birds love this building.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
What number SPF blocks people?
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭