@DaHess1: I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.
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@jazmasta: [speaking to a guy who looks nothing like Ed Sheeran] "Hey man, do people ever say you look like Ed Sheeran?" "No" "Didn't think so"
@histwaddle: People need to stop judging a person by their appearance. Just because i have food stains on my shirt that doesn't mean i have kids.
@zachreinert03: Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
@thatUPSdude: My friend told me his wife talks a lot in her sleep "I know" was probably not the right answer