@DaHess1: I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.
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@BillMc7: Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn't think of this.
@jazmasta: [speaking to a guy who looks nothing like Ed Sheeran] "Hey man, do people ever say you look like Ed Sheeran?" "No" "Didn't think so"
@SardonicTart: Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
@OBiiieeee: [trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex] Her: faster! faster! Me: oh god no