@H0TMessBarbie: I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
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@DevilryFun: Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, "Lets find something for mature skin." And then Security had to escort me.
@HiddenPinky: "If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?" "I could tell you, bud, I'd have tequila."
@electrolemon: this harriet tubman news is gonna make it super awkward every time i purchase slaves in cash
@KevinFarzad: Every political Facebook status should start with, "First of all, I have no idea what I'm talking about."