@H0TMessBarbie: I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
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@jenniferfralic: Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
@DurtMcHurtt: When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "you did this."
@Quartzjixler: My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN'T automatic. The human race is doomed.