@DevilryFun: Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, "Lets find something for mature skin." And then Security had to escort me.

@HiddenPinky: "If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?" "I could tell you, bud, I'd have tequila."

@electrolemon: this harriet tubman news is gonna make it super awkward every time i purchase slaves in cash

@KevinFarzad: Every political Facebook status should start with, "First of all, I have no idea what I'm talking about."

@imence2: Some people have no respect. It's obvious I'm on my phone trying to do something & this guys all "STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!"