I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
You Might Also Like
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
much to think about
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
This one’s “Alex”.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box