I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
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How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Everything reminds me of my ex
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.